Vol. IV No. 3 2/1/2023
A Modest Town Budget Proposal
by Patrick White
If you read the newspaper, you must know that one of the ways we can get out of the current US debt ceiling impasse is to mint a Trillion Dollar Coin and deposit it in the United States Treasury!
What a fantastic idea!
Why limit it to the Feds? What a wonderful way to fund Town Government! Think about it. With a Trillion Dollar Coin, we could pay for a New Intersection! And Sewer for everyone! And ADUs! And, well, a new Pavilion, and Water Slide, and our share of the New High School!
For those who care about, you know, our Climate Disaster, with a Trillion Dollar Coin, we could Dredge the entire Bowl! We could plant new Trees to replace all the Problem Trees! We could buy everyone a Tesla! Yes, a Tesla! And don't get started on how Elon Musk is a Nut Job and we shouldn't support him! That's only on Twitter, and Twitter is free so it doesn't count! Tesla still makes great cars! Just look around!
While we are at it, we could eliminate everyone's taxes! For at least a year! Now some might argue, we should only use our Trillion Dollar Coin to eliminate locals' taxes! I would never support that! A trillion is more than enough to pay Taxes for Everyone!
We may need permission to mint our Trillion Dollar Coin from like, you know, someone. Let's ask Smitty and Sen. Mark when they come to Town! How about the Governor? I wish this had come up before the trip to Boston to accept our Major Award!
Perhaps the most important question though is, who would be on the Stockbridge Trillion Dollar Coin? I have taken the liberty to present five design options. I am not a very good designer, so these are just sketches!
How about Chief Obenheim? He checks all the boxes: Law and Order! Check. Stockbridge History! Check. Arlo Guthrie Mythology! Check. I love this Idea, so I put it first.
Some may argue, we don't have enough Women on Coins! And Coins are for Politicians! So I present to you Mary Million-Million. You know, Mary Flynn! I have no jokes to make about Mary. That would be political suicide.
If no one wants to remember the 20th Century, and who could blame you, let's hark back to the 19th! Mary Hopkins Goodrich! I couldn't find a photo of the Laurel Hill Association founder on a horse, but no worries. We can Photoshop it!
Now, some might argue for a celebration of our Culture! I for one Love Culture. And it's great for Local Occupancy Taxes! And so I present to you the Tanglewood Trillion! Now, we might want to split the trillion with Lenox on this, as we all know Tanglewood exists in the netherworld "between Lenox and Stockbridge".
Finally, some might say coins are often nationalistic. We should celebrate our Adversaries! And the Outdoors! For this final coin, I give you Dumpster Bear! Dumpster Bear is formidable! And he's Green! Well he's really Black but by Green I mean Outdoors! I like Dumpster Bear. Bears are Cute! Let's go with the Bear! Bear in mind, I am not the Decider. It's entirely up to You!
Oh, wait: The Town doesn't have any Platinum. Or a Town Mint.
Finally, please remember: This is in the new Humor section for a reason.
Kitchen Cabinet. Photo: Patrick White